This Just In:
Feds to Bailout
ENTIRE GA Community!
(Editor's note, don't take this seriously, it is SATIRE)
Dano News Network - (WASHINGTON, D.C.): After a grueling 48-hour marathon negotiation session, a bipartisan panel that included members of the House Ways and Means Subcommittee on Judicial Aviation Oversight and Senate Appropriations and Expenditures Subcommittee on Budget and Taxation has approved a sweeping $900 Billion emergency funding package aimed at propping up the ailing U.S. aviation sector.
The legislation will pump needed capital into every portion of the aviation community, and will add much needed cash to airframe and avionics manufacturers, FBOs, flight schools as well as individual pilots and aircraft owners. Highlights of this historic bill includes:
(1) Immediate cash influx to airframe makers: All U.S.-based major "Tier One" airplane makers such as Cirrus, Cessna, Mooney, Eclipse and Beechcraft will each receive $112 billion in cash to strengthen their weakened cash flow to offset weakening sales numbers. "Tier Two" makers such as smaller LSA manufacturers, and companies who sell in the U.S. but are based overseas – like Pilatus and Honda – will receive $34 billion each. China's Shenyang Aircraft – contracted to build Cessna's Model 162 Skycatcher – will receive $102.40, enough to offset their labor costs for a year.While the aviation sector welcomes this infusion of cash, economists across the land were quick to question where the Feds will get the money. When asked this question point-blank, Treasury Secretary Joseph "Joe" Schmoe answered "we're going to steal it from Upper Mongolistan's new regime, since they are the only government left on the planet that still has a nickel to their names. We've already amassed 34 brigades of courageous men and women of the National Guard on their border to go in and remove the $900 billion from all Upper Mongolistan banks effective immediately."
(2) Suppliers of aviation services such as major FBO chains, smaller airport operations and all U.S. flight schools will receive $69 million each. Large aviation-based Universities such as Embry-Riddle will get $56 million per student to train the NextGen of pilots and aerospace engineers.
(3) The FAA will receive $89 billion to bring staffing of air traffic controllers up to NATCA-approved levels. Also in the package is another $345 million to buy new Macintosh computers throughout the FAA system, replacing their antiquated Windows-based systems now running Windows 98.
(4) Current, licensed pilots will each get a windfall of $750,000 in cash, enough to buy most seriously cherry piston-powered aircraft available today. Those with a minimum of 200 hours turbine time will receive an additional $1.2 million to allow quick purchase of most VLJ models.
O.K., you all know by now this is just Dano B.S. But is it any less crazy than the real Federal government bailing out a bunch of greedy Wall Street Golden boys who were so busy making record profits that they didn't see this whole financial mess coming?
Damn, these are some crazy times we are living in. Oh, and the largest bank failure in history just occurred after the Feds seized WaMu and gifted it on a silver platter to JPMorgan Chase. Yeah, you are correct, the "Feds" did the same thing with Bear Stearns when JP Morgan Chase snapped up that losing operation.
All right now...move along...nothing fishy to see here.