Secret Airline Document
Exposes Profit Plan for 2010

11:17 AM

This weekend as I taxied out on Eugene's north ramp, I couldn't help but to notice an Airbus A320 in JetBlue livery parked near the main terminal. It made my air traveler heart race as I wondered if somehow I missed the memo that JetBlue was starting service to/from my fair city. But a quick question to ground controllers confirmed it was the charter aircraft of the California Bears Pac-10 football team, in town to get their ass handed to them 42-3 by the University of Oregon Ducks.

What got me temporarily excited was the possibility of flying one of the few airlines left that doesn't gig their customers with so many additional fees and charges. So it got me wondering how any airline can survive today without these fees...and off to the Internets I jaunted in search of answers.

In an attempt to discover just how some airlines are planning to get back in the black for 2010, I came across a scheduled carrier you may have never heard of (because they really don't exist). While deep-diving in researchland, I uncovered a secret document from their CEO that spells out an ambitious plan for turning things around in the coming year:
From: [name redacted], CEO, MajorBux Airlines
To: Board of Directors

Ref: Profit Plan for 2010 - Additional Fees [CONFIDENTIAL]

Gentlemen:

As you well know, 2009 was a very bad year for the stockholders of MajorBux Airlines. We've seen passengers decline steadily as these pax are choosing Southwest and JetBlue, for some damned reason. But even though our focus groups have clearly determined that our passengers will run away if we impose more fees, I am the boss, and it's my way or the airway. Get it? Airway..not highway. Airline CEO humor.

So as of Jan. 1, 2010, our airline will impose the following new fees:

(1) Seat Fee: By removing all seats from the back half of the coach cabin, we will create a new section similar to United's "Economy Plus", only ours is called "Seating Plus". The fee to sit in one of these remaining "seats" is $49.95, and those flyers who do not wish to pay this new fee can stand in the back of the cabin. This new fee will generate $123 Million in revenue, a ridiculous pile of dough that is somewhat mitigated by the personal injury lawsuits that will surely come from those standing pax flailing about the cabin during periods of heavy turbulence.

(2) Oxygen Fee: O.K., has anyone on this Board ever actually SEEN those oxygen masks drop down? Our research contends that we could remove those masks across our fleet and save $45 million a year. Our new Oxygen fee of $34.95 per passenger offers those who want a "first class breathing experience" to opt for the new MajorBux Airlines P.O.D., or Personal Oxygen Device. With this device, a passenger can choose to breathe our special air imported from Aruba if the cabin de-pressurizes, or if their row neighbor is well, just stinky.

(3) Pets Fly Free Program: In order to counter the upstart Pet Airways, we are allowing any passengers to bring their pet with them on any flight, absolutely free. Fido or Fluffy will ride in a heated, pressurized section of our cargo hold and be fed gourmet pet food in a real silver-plated dish. And while the pet does fly free, the pet's carrier or cage will incur a $395 charge, one-way.

(4) Jet Bridge Access Fee: All of you on the MajorBux Airlines Board surely remember the good old days, when passengers boarded after walking across a hot ramp and climbing actual stairs leading up to the cabin. Today's travelers are spoiled brats, and DEMAND jet bridges, a costly addition to the boarding process. Our new Jet Bridge Access fee adds a mandatory $27 to any one-way flight, which will generate over $56 million for our bottom line.

(5) Food: Our marketing research has concluded that passengers will spend major dollars on in-flight food and snacks. Therefore, we are installing real pizza ovens into the galleys of every MajorBux Airlines MD-80, an addition that will fill the cabin with the enticing smell of poached pepperoni. We have instructed our ramp personnel to delay push back for two hours per flight, and after smelling freshly cooked pizza pie during this delay period, we anticipate a 90% purchase rate for our new line of airline pizzas, which will sell for $34.97 each and generate $34 million for MajorBux.

(6) Carry-on Bag Fee: We have determined that there is a gold mine in those overhead bins. In 2010, we will be the first airline to charge passengers $12.50 per carry-on, plus an additonal $49.95 for any roller bag gate checked on a Jet Bridge. Ingenious, yes, and profitable too!

I anticipate a record year for MajorBux Airlines in 2010 as we go far beyond where any airline has gone before in our attempt to further squeeze the flying public out of their money.
There you have it, a post on how at least one portion of the airline industry is poised to do far better in 2010 than they have done at any time since 2008. Of course, this post was complete horse crapola, my twisted way of ranting about how unsavory these airline fees are. It was prompted by Southwest's current ad campaign about how they do not charge for checked bags. You can download a PDF of all the Bigs fees here courtesy of smartertravel.com.

Man how I wish Southwest or JetBlue would start flying out of KEUG.

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