The Non-Aviator's Ultimate "A-to-Z" Guide to EAA AirVenture Oshkosh

9:30 AM

(Ed. note: This is a recycled post from 2013, as we like to practice "green" blogging here at Airplanista - dan)

By Dan Pimentel,
Airplanista Blog Editor

As I prepare to depart for #OSH13 in one sleep, I've been thinking a lot about EAA AirVenture...or as most pilots and aviation family calls it, just "Oshkosh." For people who have been lucky enough to attend this annual flying festival, block party and gawkathon, you already know this show is like no other. And, yes, it does make a difference in what you call this mammoth event. "AirVenture" is a huge EAA convention and trade show, while "Oshkosh" is the world's largest, most incredible hangar party anyone could possibly imagine.

But I have many Airplanista readers who are not aviators, and who have no way of fully grasping the magnitude of this event. To give a shout out to these readers who never understand why we pilots become giddy as the end of July approaches each summer, here's the definitive A-to-Z guide to this event. Scan this list and I'll bet you'll find something here that you can relate to, so the spectacularity of Oshkosh will finally begin to sink in. Enjoy...

Oshkosh is...

...Buying 10,000 shares of Apple in 1994 for $2.96 per share and having $4,385.000 today.

photo: baconaddicts.com
...Ordering Bacon with your eggs at the diner and becoming overjoyed with caloric exhileration as the Waitress brings you the "Original Bacon Explosion"...a Pork Bomb Sausage Barbecue BBQ Roll.

...Heading over to the mall to buy some Chanel No. 5 and leaving with not only a gallon jug of No. 5, but also considerable amounts of No. 4, No. 3 and No. 6 too.

...Wanting to get your Ducks in a row and watching as not only your Ducks, but 80% of the Ducks in the United States amass in your front yard, all in perfectly asymmetric lines.

...Taking an Elephant ride in Africa, and laughing uncontrollably as the pachyderm does a wheelie and blasts off into a full-blown run...with you still on its back!

...Going Fishing on Mexico's Sea of Cortez with a good friend and catching enough Cravelle Jack and Triggerfish to literally fill an entire Toyota pickup bed two feet deep with fish. (O.K., cheating here..this actually happened to me in 1986 fishing Punta Colorada with my good friend Dan Hearne).

...Jamming with your Guitar on in a beach while vacationing in Grenada and having Gwen Stefani sit down next to you and start rapping out lyrics.

...Going out to ride your Harley-Davidson to the store for a six-pack of ale and ending up in Sturgis, South Dakota dancing on a table with a girl named Sinammon.

Vernazza, Cinque Terra, Italy. Photo: Dan Pimentel
...Having your spouse surprise you on your birthday with that little vacation home you've always dreamed of, and then finding out the place is in Vernazza, perched on a cliff in the Cinque Terra region of the Italian Rivera.

...Trying not to chuckle when your weird Uncle buys you a "Dude Ranch" vacation for Christmas, only to arrive at the Crazy Mouse Ranch and see that all they have to ride are big, aggressive and unusually sweaty Jackalopes...and you're cool with that.

...You buy a used Dodge "K" car online for $500 and instead they send you a Koenigsegg CCXR Swedish Hypercar worth $2 million USD.

...Becoming kinda famous by doing something notable and ending up on Leno. And the Late Show with David Letterman. And Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. And Jimmy Kimmel Live! And the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. And Last Call with Carson Daly. And even Saturday Night Live.

...Going to a wedding and dancing the Macarena over and over, and having completely anonymous people throw large sums of money at you to make you stop.

...Taking the wrong turn off an Interstate in North Carolina and ending up on a NASCAR track when a race is underway...in your Dodge Neon...and you WIN!

...Posting an obnoxious video of your cat singing Moves Like Jagger on Youtube, finding out you won the "Best Director of a Short, Overdone Pet Film" category from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association before getting a personal phone call from a major film studio asking you to direct the feature-length version of "Silly Kitty Sings Maroon 5" in 3D.

...Cashing in a lotto ticket you thought was a $5 winner only to find you hit the Powerball grand prize, and having the money to buy a 1972 De Tomaso Pantera, a 560 hp Porsche 911 Turbo S, and a Plymouth Prowler.

...Starting out on a quick quest to buy a QWERTY keyboard before ending up getting totally quaffed on quality Quaaludes and getting a quickie from a queen who teaches Quicken to quipsters.

...sitting down to the piano to play Chopsticks and watching as your hands play Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini.

...Accepting a dinner invitation to nosh with a "few of the girls" from your sister's Film Study Group, and then finding out those "girls" are Sandra Bullock, Scarlett Johansson, Sofia Vergara and Selena Gomez. While eating, you try not to show how relieved you are that Snooki didn't show up.

photo: Tesla Motors
...Feeling good about helping to save the earth by driving a "green" car, and then buying a bright red Tesla Roadster.

...Attempting to ride a rented Unicycle in Cagnes-sur-Mer, and ending up in the peloton of the Le Tour de France...and blowing off all those dudes to capture the Yellow Jersey...even without wearing any spandex.

...You visualize world peace...and it happens.

...Spending the weekend making whoopie, and finding out the person you're with is not turned off at all by you calling "it" whoopie.

...Reading the ingredients label on your cheap frozen dinner and learning it contains xanthogenate, xanthoxylene, xiphiplastra and xylobalsamum, and being smart enough to know what all those things are.

...Going to the marina to ride in your new girlfriend's "boat" only to find it's really a 103' motor yacht. Yeah, maybe she IS a keeper after all.

...Going to the Zoo to see Zebras because the zeitgeist of the times says horse-like creatures with alternating black and white stripes are all the rage with hipsters, only to realize that Zulus have fed the animals zucchini from Zimbabwe, and they are all inside their little Zebra enclosures catching some ZZZZs. 

Oshkosh is that. And more. Much more.

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