Fixated on Fixes: Sometimes You Just Have to Look Out the Window

10:59 AM

By Dan Pimentel,
Airplanista Blog Editor

We pilots love our fixes, those crazy five letter points on this planet that help us get from A to B. I am sure you've heard some funny ones, but if you really want to spend time like I did recently on a rainy day reading the entire list, you can find an index here.

And since I'm a writer at heart, I found it fascinating that so many of these fixes sound like actual words. As I scanned the full FAA list, a story immediately began jumping from my brain to my fingers, and the result is below. The words in UPPER CASE are real FAA fixes. There might be just a tiny shred of creative license thrown in here and there, and if you so choose, try and find which of these fixes are fictional. Enjoy...

An instrument-rated pilot and his three single pals jump in a Skylane and head off for a few days of fun. Just the DUDES, aiming the airplane towards a little R & R at some off the grid little PATCH. Upon arrival, they secure the airplane to EARTH, and try to avoid the DRAMA of dealing with DOPES on the fuel TRUCK long enough to jump in the airport's crew car, a beat-up old EDSEL.

Just off the airport grounds, they try to find some food and happen upon a little Italian restaurant, where GUIDO wants to serve them plenty of CARBS, with some GUMMY Bears for dessert. Not satisfied, they follow a DITCH full of DUCKS down past the BIJOU Theater to a Greek place to enjoy some fat GYROS sandwiches, washed down with ACOLA.

Without DELAY, they go FLYIN off into town to get some party on and with luck, end up DIZZY. The plan is that after they've DRANK a boatload of COORZ BEERS or maybe some PABST Blue Ribbons, they'll proceed to chase down BETSY, DEBBY, DOLLY, ELLEN or ELYSE at the bar. Their action with the ladies never FAILS, but tonight's DREAM of romance with someone who's FOXEY gives them the BLUES when they find out that the CHIKZ in this town have FANGS like a Schnauzer.

Moving down the street to a dive bar, the pilot says HOWDY to MITZY, who LOOKS like one of the LAKER GURLZ. She's one of five MILFZ having a Ladies Night Out. Sitting on his barstool, the pilot starts feeling NERDY because he's wearing a PAGER, and becomes a bit concerned about his IMAGE. He begins to PANIC, hoping his hair PLUGS are not showing since he already knows he looks quite PUDGY from eating too much PIZZA.

Just then some large woman named HELGA who says she's from HAITI reaches for his HEINY, and it is clear she wants to get her HOOKS into him. Her big boyfriend KEVIN JUMPS in to get things GOING with the pilot, screaming about making him BLEED and cleaning his CLOCK. That's when the pilot's friend JIMBO - who used to fly JUMBO jets in ITALY - goes into one of his RAGES. He's one BAAAD mutha' and always looking for a little WHOOP ass action, grabs the dude by the SCALP just for the SPORT of it.

The pilot and his pals head outside for a SMOKE as they try to track down a burger with a side of SPUDS. But a policeman SPOTS them, and Officer STEVE SNORK STEPS from his SQUAD car. After telling him their STORY, he arrests the trio as part of a STING that is busting JOHNS in the ROOMS of a smelly ROACH MOTEL where two TARTS have TAKEN refuge. Soon, a SAUCY hooker named SARAH and a SPICY escort named TAMMY recant their FABLE, the cop let's the three guys go, and they head back to the airport.

After filing an IFR flight plan, they depart after a CRAZY couple of days. But when safely out of the terminal area, the pilot becomes ANGRY when ATC starts barking a new routing at him containing a bunch of FIXES he's never heard of. Tired of this endless vocal gymnastics, he jumps on the mic and cancels IFR. In cruise as the world slides by below, he and his buddies savor the LOVLY PEACE of not having to remember the alphabet soup that sometimes takes over our few precious moments in the sky.

On this day, with clear and a million weather on a warm summer afternoon, the only letters this pilot wants to know are V, F and R.

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